29 June 2017
To the Dark Forest Code Compliance Office,
I am sending this letter in reference to the numerous notices and fees I have received from your office concerning the overgrown condition of my yard.
Firstly, let me remind you of the past accolades my yard and home have earned.
• The Yummiest Yard Award presented in May 2014, 2015, and 2016 by the Little Gnomes Society.
• The Delectable Décor Honor presented in August 2014 and April 2016 by The Munchkin League of Fairytale Land
• The Stripes are Scrumptious Medal presented in June 2014, 2015, and March 2016 by The Fairies for Equality Foundation.
• The Editable Construction Certificate presented for the year of 2016 by King Phillip –himself!
As you can see, I am not in the habit of letting my property fall into ruin. Maintaining a gingerbread house is a full time investment. However, because of the debilitating injuries I suffered in an unfortunate incident earlier this year, I’ve had no choice but to fall behind on the maintenance of my estate.
Surely, you read about the incident in the Princess Daily Press. Although the article was extremely one-sided, making me out to be some kind of monster, I’m sure you’ll be reassured once you hear my side of it.
It was in early May when I found two children nibbling away at the siding of my home. Of course, I felt sorry for the poor dears. They were obviously very hungry, so I invited them inside. If only I knew what was to come.
Once inside my home, the boy, Hansel, went into a frenzy, eating and licking everything in sight. I thought the boy foolish with hunger so I placed him in an enclosure to save the integrity of my home. I instructed his sister, Gretel, to assist me in whipping together a batch of my famous chocolate chip butter cookies. Sure, the children ate the cookies without complaint, but when I insisted Gretel help tidy up the preparation mess, she threw a huge temper tantrum. I explained the concept of cleaning up after oneself but there was no calming the child. – I blame the parents –
Seeing I would get no help from the children, I went about cleaning the oven myself. It wasn’t until I felt the firm push that I realized my mistake. Those horrible, ungrateful, evil children had pushed me in and closed the door. Consequently, I suffered major injuries. I spent weeks in the hospital and am still recovering. Thus, all of this has hindered me from keeping up my home.
I should hope you understand. I am asking for the full dismissal of the accumulated warnings and fees your Code Compliance Officer, Miss Priss has nailed to my front door. And, compensation for the damage said officer has caused to the door with said nails. Thank you.
The Witch in the Gingerbread House on Canetree Lane
P.S. I was sorry to hear of Hansel and Gretel’s recent disappearances in the paper. I’m sure they’ll turn up.
P.P.S. Please extend an invitation to Code Compliance Officer, Miss Priss. I invite her to come to my house for milk and cookies. She knows where I live.